Heavy things, Heavy Heart...

Last Wednesday we took our little family to the temple grounds for Family Home Evening. We figured we had better take advantage of the nice weather while we had the chance. We took a blanket and our dinner and talked to our 2 year old about the day we took him to the temple to be sealed to us. We talked about getting married in that temple and how grateful we were to be a forever family. We watched brides and grooms getting their pictures taken, a group of young people descended upon some of the flower beds to do a service project and Sam ran through the puddles the sprinklers left on the sidewalk.

Over the last few weeks my heart has been very heavy. I have been following the trial of Dr. Gosnell. He is an abortion doctor who is charged with murder. Not only of babies born alive and then killed but also for at least one woman dying in his dirty disgusting office. I can't read a full article without getting sick to my stomach. The fix? The political powers that be are pushing for fewer regulations. I have cried myself to sleep at night. I wish I could unread some of what I have read. It's effected me deeply. Some of the babies that survived the abortion and then were killed were further along than my twins were when they were born. I was told this was one nut job, but it's not only the methods he used which were appalling, it's the fact that babies this far along are considered a mass of tissue, nothing but a fetus. Completely and utterly devalued. Not that, that excuses abortion in any stage, but after a four month stay in the NICU with my own preemies, my heart hurts for these babies. Babies surviving an abortion being left in a shoe box for twenty minutes before they are finished off. Painful and slow methods before they are born. Talk about an attack on the family. My heart ached for the choices those millions of babies would never have the opportunity to make. My heart ached for the women who felt they had no other option. But mostly, I couldn't believe my own apathy on the issue. I have always known I was against abortion, but I am not doing anything about it. How could we have let it get this far? The new push is going to be for after birth abortions because the risk of the mother being impaled by bone fragments or having complications due to the doctor having a hard time removing all of the baby, something called free floating head. Seriously? What have we become?

As we walked the grounds and looked at the towering hollyhocks we came to the front of the visitor's center. The boy shreiked with joy, he had spotted the large statue of Christ, arms outstretched welcoming all who would come in. "Sheshus" he said and pointed, "I excited!" We strolled our giant stroller through the doors and were greeted by the sister missionaries. There is a room off to the side, usually when we go it's Christmas time and it is full of nativity scenes from all over the world, all different. This time it was art work depicting the life of Christ or the artists' views of how Christ is in our lives now. One piece just struck me to the bone. I am not even sure if I can explain just why. Maybe the only way to explain it was that it was full of truth to me, and it reminded me of who is in charge. I felt a warm rush of peace. I know my options are limited at this time, but I can't sit idly by. If any of you have been inactively against abortion, as I have been, I invite you to get active. We can find a way to try to help.What's the quote, The best way for evil to win is for good men to do nothing? Or something like that? Or this...We may not be able to do much, but we can do something.

The Only Thing Necessary for the Triumph of Evil is that Good Men Do Nothing

It says:

I am NOT the experience nor actions of my parents

It matters not how I became,

but that I AM.

I AM courage

I AM compassion

I AM hope

I AM strong...I AM here

You cannot define me as I CHOOSE who I become.

I AM THE FUTURE.

- Christina Rankin

I am so grateful that the boy's birth mother didn't abort him. I stayed with her at the hospital for three days and watched her agonize over her decision, I watched her heart break over and over again. Mine broke with hers while it rejoiced at the opportunity I was given. He is truly such a joy. I am so grateful for the staff at TMC and at Graham county regional for taking care of my 28 week preemies. I am so grateful they survived and bring me so much joy to this day. And mostly I am grateful for the knowledge I have that families go on. That those babies are safe and happy even if they were not given the opportunities of life that so many of us are afforded. I am thankful for my savior and the plan that he has for us. I am thankful that he can lighten my heavy heart. Don't take anything for granted, live your life with joy for all of those who never had the opportunity to, I know I am going to try to. Value your children, love them with reckless abandon. The darker the shadow, the brighter the light. Let's be that light. 
See more photography by Helen Thomas Robson here


 Arizona Right to Life

 An article that is good and will not give you nightmares:
http://www.lifenews.com/2013/02/04/why-my-support-for-abortion-was-based-on-love-and-lies/
"I realized in that moment that perfectly good, well-meaning people—people like me—can support gravely evil things through the power of lies. From my own experience, I knew how the Greeks, the Romans, and people in every other society could put themselves into a mental state that they could leave a newborn child to die: The very real pressures of life—“We can’t afford another baby,” “There’s no dowry for another girl,” “This disability would overwhelm us”—left them susceptible to that oldest of temptations: To dehumanize other human beings. Though the circumstances were different, it was the same process that had happened with me, with the concurring Supreme Court justices in Stenberg v. Carhart, the abortion doctors, the entire pro-choice movement, and anyone else who’s ever been tempted to dehumanize inconvenient people."

*PS, this is my heart and soul please don't start some lame political argument. That would be my luck, the one post that gets comments and it's haters...

The dichotomy of my life...

Infomercial

Grace...

At the risk of sounding whiney or complainy or any manner of other negative ways I could sound, I am going to be honest, this stinks. It stinks big ol heaps of stinky diapers. It feels like it will never end and things will never change or get better. I think I am depressed.

Today our nurse, and I often call her my nurse, was telling me what she saw as worst case scenarios were for our sweet little girl. Lest anyone get upset at her for doing so, I will state for the record that I appreciate it immensely. I am not one for having things sprung on me. I like fair warning, I like worst case scenarios, I like to prepare as best as I can. That being said, it's not great news. Worst case scenarios rarely are.

So much of my life I have felt that I have spent in limbo, waiting. I am beginning to realize that, this may be what life is. As John Lennon once said, "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." It has once again become painfully obvious that I am not in charge here. Shocking I know, and I once again find myself totally and utterly worn out by trying to be in charge, if only mentally. I keep wondering why it is I can't seem to learn this lesson.

I am really hoping that we can avoid, worst case scenario. Here I am trying to be in charge again I suppose, but I would like to invite any and all who would like to, to join our family in a special fast this Sunday coming up for our little Doodle girl. It would mean so much to us if you could. I know that if you could join us and fast and pray for her little lungs, and that she could over come her reflux, and be able to eat well, and grow we might all be able to be a part of a miracle. If we could take our babies and go home and have her mostly healthy that would be a miracle. I just want her to be healthy and happy.

On one hand I am terrified at the work and insanity that will commence when we return home a five person family having left a three person family, but it would be so much nicer to face the insanity with healthy babies.

We really appreciate so much your love and support. It means so much. We love you all. Thank you a million times thank you.

Homeish...

Yesterday was a big day. A big bittersweet day.

Moon Pie came home.

Doodle wore her pearls.

Gasp! You want a picture of me? *batts eyes*

We spent a little time and then she had to say goodbye.

And even though I always knew she would be there longer, it was really hard to leave her. I've been crying about it, but that may also be due to getting absolutely no sleep last night.

Big brother got to really see the little guy.

He approves. We think...

Our awesome nurse saw us off.

It's been a crazy night already and I am exhausted, it will be really nice to go home, in the meantime, we will make the best of it. We are to be locked in our room to keep germs at bay. We are Rapunzel, the family edition. Wish us luck on surviving this, it's crazy with two, I can't imagine when Doodle bug jumps into the mix. It's gong to be insane, but the good kind of insane. It will get much better once we can get home and spread out a little. Yay home. The light is at the end of the tunnel. Come on Doodle let's go!

The little guy is a pooping machine and has taken every opportunity to pee on me. We are flying through the light weight blankets. I think I will be doing laundry every day. Whew, I am beat.

Fatness and fancy...

I really love our nurses at the NICU. It's going to be strange to go home and not see them everyday. They have become such a part of our lives. Our primary nurse has been such a blessing. She has really fought for the twins and worked to make sure the best happens for them. It's nice to know that she has our back. Today she told J that she didn't think we were going to be home by our due date in 10 days. Doodle has a ways to go before she can go home. It's sort of like having really premature overdue babies. O_o Yes, as a family we are that cool. We are a collective enigma.

So, here's the question. Does this sweet little girl here,

Look anything like this one? I think she might actually have a little bit of her momma in there after all. Maybe? :)
I am surprised I don't have a pictures of Gracie making that face, I am pretty sure I have seen her make that face.

Today I was in the hall during shift change. We aren't allowed in the NICU during shift change. I could hear some of the nurses laughing and talking by the door they use to come in and out, a group came out. Our nurse must have seen I was out there because she popped her head back out holding Moonpie and said, "Mom, I am awake and I am hungry!"
One of the nurses looked at him, looked at me and said, "What have you done to him?"
I said, "What do you mean what have I done? I have been feeding him."
She said,"He is soooo fat! I have only been gone for a week."

He is 6 pounds 2 oz. It's so crazy to think he was once so so small. Doodle is tipping the scales at 5 pounds 2 oz. It's kind of weird to see how much difference just a pound makes on such a little person. They feel so different.

The doctor even mentioned his fatness today. So much so, he even lowered his calories. The babies have been getting supplemented calories in their milk to help them grow. I never knew I could be so happy to have a fat child. Of course, 6 pounds 2 oz is hardly fat but when you started out at 2 pounds 11 oz, it's a beautiful thing to be that fat.

In other news, I am completely obsessed with this British magazine that is expensive beyond all reason. Well, I guess not beyond all reason because if that were the case, I wouldn't now own 5 digital issues and one paper issue. Considering how cheap I am though, that should tell you of the awesomeness therein. I quite love it. It's brilliant, I would say if I were British.
Cute video that will make you want it here. Click me you know you want to!
It's got my creative juices flowing for sure. I like to tell myself that I will get my house cute and crafty in all my spare time. It could happen, right? Spare time I mean.
Oh, I crack myself up, but seriously, it's that cool.