Heavy things, Heavy Heart...

Last Wednesday we took our little family to the temple grounds for Family Home Evening. We figured we had better take advantage of the nice weather while we had the chance. We took a blanket and our dinner and talked to our 2 year old about the day we took him to the temple to be sealed to us. We talked about getting married in that temple and how grateful we were to be a forever family. We watched brides and grooms getting their pictures taken, a group of young people descended upon some of the flower beds to do a service project and Sam ran through the puddles the sprinklers left on the sidewalk.

Over the last few weeks my heart has been very heavy. I have been following the trial of Dr. Gosnell. He is an abortion doctor who is charged with murder. Not only of babies born alive and then killed but also for at least one woman dying in his dirty disgusting office. I can't read a full article without getting sick to my stomach. The fix? The political powers that be are pushing for fewer regulations. I have cried myself to sleep at night. I wish I could unread some of what I have read. It's effected me deeply. Some of the babies that survived the abortion and then were killed were further along than my twins were when they were born. I was told this was one nut job, but it's not only the methods he used which were appalling, it's the fact that babies this far along are considered a mass of tissue, nothing but a fetus. Completely and utterly devalued. Not that, that excuses abortion in any stage, but after a four month stay in the NICU with my own preemies, my heart hurts for these babies. Babies surviving an abortion being left in a shoe box for twenty minutes before they are finished off. Painful and slow methods before they are born. Talk about an attack on the family. My heart ached for the choices those millions of babies would never have the opportunity to make. My heart ached for the women who felt they had no other option. But mostly, I couldn't believe my own apathy on the issue. I have always known I was against abortion, but I am not doing anything about it. How could we have let it get this far? The new push is going to be for after birth abortions because the risk of the mother being impaled by bone fragments or having complications due to the doctor having a hard time removing all of the baby, something called free floating head. Seriously? What have we become?

As we walked the grounds and looked at the towering hollyhocks we came to the front of the visitor's center. The boy shreiked with joy, he had spotted the large statue of Christ, arms outstretched welcoming all who would come in. "Sheshus" he said and pointed, "I excited!" We strolled our giant stroller through the doors and were greeted by the sister missionaries. There is a room off to the side, usually when we go it's Christmas time and it is full of nativity scenes from all over the world, all different. This time it was art work depicting the life of Christ or the artists' views of how Christ is in our lives now. One piece just struck me to the bone. I am not even sure if I can explain just why. Maybe the only way to explain it was that it was full of truth to me, and it reminded me of who is in charge. I felt a warm rush of peace. I know my options are limited at this time, but I can't sit idly by. If any of you have been inactively against abortion, as I have been, I invite you to get active. We can find a way to try to help.What's the quote, The best way for evil to win is for good men to do nothing? Or something like that? Or this...We may not be able to do much, but we can do something.

The Only Thing Necessary for the Triumph of Evil is that Good Men Do Nothing

It says:

I am NOT the experience nor actions of my parents

It matters not how I became,

but that I AM.

I AM courage

I AM compassion

I AM hope

I AM strong...I AM here

You cannot define me as I CHOOSE who I become.

I AM THE FUTURE.

- Christina Rankin

I am so grateful that the boy's birth mother didn't abort him. I stayed with her at the hospital for three days and watched her agonize over her decision, I watched her heart break over and over again. Mine broke with hers while it rejoiced at the opportunity I was given. He is truly such a joy. I am so grateful for the staff at TMC and at Graham county regional for taking care of my 28 week preemies. I am so grateful they survived and bring me so much joy to this day. And mostly I am grateful for the knowledge I have that families go on. That those babies are safe and happy even if they were not given the opportunities of life that so many of us are afforded. I am thankful for my savior and the plan that he has for us. I am thankful that he can lighten my heavy heart. Don't take anything for granted, live your life with joy for all of those who never had the opportunity to, I know I am going to try to. Value your children, love them with reckless abandon. The darker the shadow, the brighter the light. Let's be that light. 
See more photography by Helen Thomas Robson here


 Arizona Right to Life

 An article that is good and will not give you nightmares:
http://www.lifenews.com/2013/02/04/why-my-support-for-abortion-was-based-on-love-and-lies/
"I realized in that moment that perfectly good, well-meaning people—people like me—can support gravely evil things through the power of lies. From my own experience, I knew how the Greeks, the Romans, and people in every other society could put themselves into a mental state that they could leave a newborn child to die: The very real pressures of life—“We can’t afford another baby,” “There’s no dowry for another girl,” “This disability would overwhelm us”—left them susceptible to that oldest of temptations: To dehumanize other human beings. Though the circumstances were different, it was the same process that had happened with me, with the concurring Supreme Court justices in Stenberg v. Carhart, the abortion doctors, the entire pro-choice movement, and anyone else who’s ever been tempted to dehumanize inconvenient people."

*PS, this is my heart and soul please don't start some lame political argument. That would be my luck, the one post that gets comments and it's haters...

True Appreciation...

Today as I was walking in what seemed almost to be Spring weather. (Could it really be Spring?) I was contemplating how eternally grateful I am that God does not remember our mistakes once we repent. It's one of those things you know in your heart but do not fully realize how truly amazing and beautiful a gift it is. Being that I am currently in a situation of ooops, I made a really stupid mistake and I am sorry situation and this situation just keeps coming up constantly. It is harped on and touched on and remembered. The knife is continually twisted and lemon juice is constantly dripped. It's driving me crazy, and making me a shell of who I once was...Okay, a bit dramatic? Yes? It's aggravating to say the least.
What a wonderful blessing that our loving Heavenly Father does not do that to us. What a lesson he teaches us if we ever have the misfortune of being in that situation. What an amazing gift we can give to each other. Mercy. Grace. Love. Wow.

TODAY is a great day...

My sister in law sent me a very nice e-mail that included this story. I cried while I read it. I guess it's easy to feel alone when you are dealing with junk you really don't want to be dealing with. It made me cry, but it also made me feel better. Thank you Kim, it reminded me I am not alone, and that things are going to work out soon.

Jason and Kelly:

I just had to write and tell you about Matthew's prayers last week. So, of course, we have been praying and fasting for you guys. Well, I guess Matthew was getting a little frustrated. He prays religiously for you that you can have a family. Anyhow, last week he was sitting by me in the morning while the older kids were at school, and he was talking about all of his aunts, uncles, and cousins. So, he starts talking about Uncle Jason and Aunt Kelly. He says, "Mom, when are Jason and Kelly going to be able to have a family?" Well, we have all been praying hard for them, and they are doing everything they can to get some cousins for you. I told him we just need to keep praying and be patient, because I know that Heavenly Father is going to bless them with some children. Matthew said, "Well, then I am going to say another prayer right now." So, Matthew says in his prayer, "Heavenly Father, please bless my Aunt Kelly and my Uncle Jason that they can start their family." Then, he paused for a few seconds and said, "TODAY! In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen."

And thank you Matthew and all of my other sweet little nieces and nephews for your prayers. Thank you so much. :)

Thank you to all...

I used to think when people said they could feel your prayers and love they were exaggerating. I don't think that anymore. I am so thankful for your love and prayers. Really thank you so much for thinking and fasting for us. It means more than you could ever know, and it helps remind me of what the most important things in life are. Family and good friends.

Today I had sharing time, it was on Fathers. I feel like fathers kind of get a bum rap in our society. We don't like the ones who are bums but we also don't really go out of our way to recognize the great ones, and although, my dad will probably never read this. I just thought I would like to give him a shout out for being awesome. Sure he's not perfect, but he is there, I have never once wondered if he loved me, he has never had a problem telling us how much he loves us. I would watch, and still do, TV shows that talk about the dad who could never say I love you. I think I always took for granted that my father never had that problem. I am thankful that he is worthy of the priesthood. I am thankful that he still takes care of me. Helping me with car issues or by letting my mom come and be with me when I need her. I am thankful for the wonderful example he has been to me throughout my life and continues to be. What a blessing to have a dad who loves you and continues to bless you even when you are far away.
Thanks Dad, I love you very much.

Next week, if I haven't been released is on Mothers, I am sure I will be as emotional then too. :)

They say not to get your hair cut when you are emotional, May I also suggest not cutting your own hair when you are emotional? I think it's way worse. I went to trim my, well, we will call them bangs, they were past my nose. I thought I would just take a little off so they weren't so scraggly. I bought a razor for cutting hair took a swipe and yipes! I have bangs. Although not as short as Audrey's



They came out pretty short. They are growing on me, literally and figuratively. I am wondering what it would look like to cut them even shorter. Just embrace the whole vintage aesthetic.



Anyway don't do it by yourself, it's not a good idea. Consider yourself warned.

Sharing is Caring...

I have debated sharing this. Mostly because I don't want to be a crying wack-a-doo for the rest of my life, but life is about sharing the journey right? We aren't supposed to go it alone, we need each other. That is what life is all about. I have been listening to a few talks by Elder Holland over and over and over and they have really helped me during the last few months and especially last week. He says that God wants us to be strong as well as good. We can't control everything and those moments are for our growth. I know God wants me to be strong.

Last Monday night I found out I was pregnant. Tuesday morning it was confirmed again. I got my doctors appointment set for Friday after work and I had lost the baby by Thursday. Luckily my mom came up Thursday night. Jason had gone hunting Thursday morning. The doctor sent me to the hospital to get blood work done and to make sure it wasn't ectopic. I ended up getting sonograms and poked and prodded only to be told what I already knew. I had lost the baby very early on. As heart breaking and horrible this has been I am very lucky. I am very blessed that I lost it so early. I can't imagine loosing a baby further along. I don't know how I would handle that. I am also blessed because now it appears that there is a possibility of me actually getting pregnant, and as much as I had hoped it would stick I do know the Lord is looking out for me and eventually I am going to be blessed. Jason came home from his hunt early, Friday night late, I am very blessed to have such a loving and supportive husband.

Jason gave me a blessing last night. I was told I would have a family soon, that the Lord wants me to be strong and that I need to focus on my blessings. I had already restarted a gratitude journal, I was already on the right track. The key is going to be staying positive and hopeful while I wait. I am not sure how my family is coming but I am glad they are.

Rather than retreat and try to pretend this painful event didn't happen I come to you asking for your help. Please remember us in your prayers. We appreciate them and feel them help us. Also, my family is going to have a special fast for us on Sunday, if you would like to join us I would be very grateful. I am sorry I haven't been answering my phone much lately, I am getting better. It's just been hard to talk to people. I hope you will forgive me. :)

Thank you all for your love and support it means so very much. I love you all!

"Hope is critical to both faith and charity. When disobedience, disappointment, and procrastination erode faith, hope is there to uphold our faith. When frustration and impatience challenge charity, hope braces our resolve and urges us to care for our fellowmen even without expectation of reward. The brighter our hope, the greater our faith. The stronger our hope, the purer our charity."
--Dieter F. Uchtdorf, "The Infinite Power of Hope", Ensign, Nov 2008, 21–24

Mr. Sun

Mr. Sun,SUN! Mr. Golden Sun, Please shine down on me! I am busy compiling pictures, deciding what to post and what not to post. Maybe I need a slide show. Regardless, it's been a pretty rough reintroduction back to real life. I am determined to prove myself a worthy adversary to the adversary and conquer the wackiness that has become my life. Wish me luck, prayers are even better.

So, in my quest to find joy in the small things, I would like to share this picture from the first night we got on our boat. I hoped it was an omen of the year to come, maybe it is, you just have to get through the clouds first. So to all of you fighting through the clouds of doubt, despair and fear...behold...



Hopefully it makes you smile too. The light will come and perhaps it will be smiling when it does. I hope so.

Crying headaches and stuff...

The hubs was put in as 1st counselor in the bishopric. His blessings were beautiful and it is astounding to me the consideration and love we receive from our father in heaven. I know he knows us personally and loves us more than we will ever know. I stand all amazed, with a crying headache. I wish today I could just bestow that knowledge upon everyone. It's an amazing thing to realize and yeah...words are failing me right now.
This is going to be an interesting adventure. It's also awesome to me how much trust God can put into us, and how much he blesses us for trying. It's amazing. I hope we are up to this. I love my husband so much. He was so worth the wait.