shoes

I mentioned earlier the shoes I wore twice last week and not at all this week. Last week I was sick and weak and I managed to spice up my week. This week? I am a total blob of not wanting to do anything or go anywhere. I just want to sleep. It may have something to do with the fact that it's eleven billion degrees outside. It's so gross.

So here are my sparkly pink shoes of light and joy. I am sure you will be jealous.




And here is the Tater tot rocking her own look in shoes...



She did do that on her own. It was pretty cute.

Yay shoes!

Just for the record, it still absolutely astounds me how early children start fighting sleep. Really? You are a newborn you are supposed to love sleep. He is his most grumpy and hard to deal with just before he crashes out. Good thing he is so cute.

Dreams come true

Since I was about six or seven the grim realization occurred to me, I would more than likely not become the princess I thought I would. People tend to ask kids what they want to be and I honestly wanted to be a princess. How I came to this sad realization that my dream would not be achieved at such a tender age, I will never know. What I do know that my second choice was to be a mother. That's all, I even remember thinking that I wasn't very creative in my desires, but that's what I wanted, more than anything.

My life has been one fraught with waiting. I was single for a while, I found the best husband in the world, he was worth the wait, but after waiting for him, I hoped it would not be a long wait for the kiddos to come. After five agonizing years and one month, several adoption leads that went nowhere, 1 miscarriage and a failed round of in vitro, my dream finally came true.







He wasn't easy to get here. 5 years of emotional labor, lots of tears, lots of stress. A lot of blessings and prayer.





I am grateful for the experience. I was able to cut the umbilical cord. I cried as I watched him come to this world and thought "Oh please don't let me loose him now, please please please..." I spent an agonizing 3 days waiting for the papers to be signed, and I watched and cried as his sweet birth mother's heart broke over and over and over again. I cried with her, we shared the experience in very different ways but we were together for three days straight. He is oh so very loved, and oh so very blessed to be loved enough to be given a family, with a dad and a mom. Oh how she loves him, and oh how loved he is by us. What a loved little boy.








I cannot express the pure joy that he has brought. It is all of my dreams come true and I still find myself blinking in amazement. How did this happen? It's a pure miracle, that's all that can account for it. Pure amazement. Thank you all for your prayers and your love and your fasting and for this wonderful and amazing gift I am embarking on called motherhood. Thank you for helping us to be a family, we are in awe every day. Such a gift.

The joy...

At Jill's suggestion I have been reading Sheye Rosemeyer's blog. I started at the beginning and I am now more than halfway through. I started to read it before, before The boy, and I just couldn't do it. It was too hard, now that he is here I find it's still hard but it's a different kind of hard. The one thing I have really pulled from sharing in her experience is just how quickly life can change, how quickly those we love can be gone. How much we take for granted and how very precious our families and this life are.

As a result, I have decided I need to live my life with more joy. I need to stop over thinking things and just enjoy. I want to stop worrying about my weight and my body, I don't want to be scared to wear certain things because of what people might think. I want to make the most out of every moment that I can. I want to fix old hurts and wrongs. I have tried that before and it didn't go well, but it did mean that I tried and I was able to let it go and feel at peace. I don't know. I guess I just want to know that I really did do everything I could have to be the kind of person i really want to be.

I have been so worried about The boy not accepting us, of him not loving us and getting hurt by that. It's scary to adopt because you just don't know if that fact is going to adversely affect them forever or if they are going to be OK with it. Kids can be cruel they say mean things, are people going to say hateful things to him and make him think he should have a problem?

I have decided that I cannot life my life in fear of that either. I can't worry about what other people do. Other people are other people and they do what they do, all I can do is surround that sweet little boy with love and acceptance and pray my guts out that we do a good job, and I think that we will. So I guess, I am trying to let go of the fear, let go of the guilt, let go of the negative. I envision it as thought we all just lug around this weight of guilt and fear and what if's and should have's and all we have to do is let go and move forward in a better way, learning from our mistakes, but then moving forward with love and joy.

So that is my goal to move forward with love and joy. My blog may become a lot more personal, I am not doing this for you, it's mostly for me, and I am allowing you to share in it. Why would I edit it and worry about it? It's easier for me to sit down and type something out than it is to write it out, I am going to try to do that too, but I am just giving fair warning.

Now, I am pretty sure I will still have bad days, and be a grump and a downer at times, but it's about he the journey right? It's about what makes us stronger. So this is my goal.

I have been sick all week and I am happy to report that even with that I wore two skirts and a dress and a pair of shoes that I worried about ruining or people thinking they were weird twice. Granted, I didn't really go anywhere besides my mom's house. (Getting out of the house with a newborn is hard work) but that made it even more a victory for me. I looked nice even when I had no where to go, AND I was sick. *joy* Go me! Men are that they might have joy, it's there for the taking and intend to take some.

I think a big part of joy is gratitude. So I also think this is a challenge for me to just be more grateful for the many blessings I have on a daily basis. Sometimes, when I am in the middle of something hard it's really hard for me to look up and see what I have all around me. We truly are so blessed. I can't believe we got our sweet boy. What a blessing! It's truly a miracle that he came to us. What a blessing indeed.



I think I over process my photos, something else I am learning from Sheye's blog. Hopefully that will get better as I go along too. I promise, full boy blog is on the way.
Peace and love and lots of joy,
Kelly

Our little trips...

I have had so many thoughts swirling through my head the last few months. Nothing real concrete, I haven't had time for anything to settle and really become anything more than fleeting. It's been weird, because, as horrible as I am at actually conveying my thoughts, I do usually have several, what I would call deep thought processes going on at once. Welcome to motherhood I suppose. I haven't even done a proper blog about theboy. How sad is that?
Here is my excuse, I do not have photo editing on this computer, thus I have to use the Husbands computer and if you know my husband you know that for anyone else to get a go at his computer is near impossible. He always has his head in a computer, his face glowing in it's light. Last night I got at his computer! Muwahahahahahahaaaaa!

So as I sit here trying to think of something lovely to talk about, I realize I am angry. Let me tell you why I am angry. On the last day of our lovely vacation in Utah I got sick, really sick. The sore throat, the aches and pains, the cough, the whole nine yards. Fun times. I haven't "caught" anything that bad for years and years. As I am right now almost a week later, I am still coughing, still scared to death The boy is going to get it and I have pink eye. Do you watch Burn Notice? You should, it's a great show, but I feel a little like I am a burned spy and now that I don't have the support, all of my old enemies are coming after me. Let me explain. For three years I taught pre-school. I taught 19 coughing, sneezing, snotty, and all manner of sick, children on a daily basis. They didn't stay at school if they were sick, but not only did they come to school with pink eye and lice and all manner of, well, I don't even want to think of it. They would come in with their siblings who had all manner of things I don't want to think of when their parents dropped them off. For three years I was exposed and never not EVER did I get pink eye. My nephew gets pink eye and before they even know he has it it's gone, I have been sick, so I have been trying to stay away from the kids and yet, here I sit with the pinkest eye you ever did see.
Do you see what I mean? I was untouchable, now I am on my own to fight the infections. Burned spy.

Next topic:
So, I have a new resolve to blog more. I really want to get my journal writing back in check for the boy. I have well documented years in college which are probably agonizing to read, but since I have the memory of a gnat, I couldn't tell you for sure. I don't want to forget how I felt when he was born or anything about the whole crazy experience. I also just feel like I need to get more thoughts out. I will also try to get to the computer with the photo editing stuff on it more often.

So here are some pictures from our trip. I didn't take very many. Shame on me.





I wanted to do a color challenge, this was going to be my blue picture.

Someday when I grow up, I am going to live in a house that looks like this. It even had a purple door! I want a purple door!





This is my favorite picture of the trip. My lovely mother. Who is now laying in agony with a twice broken arm, but before that there were lilacs and joy.


I just thought she was so cute in this picture.





I really wanted to use some of the awesome that is Utah and get some family pics, but they were all squinty, I did like this one.



And then the boy as we were rolling down the highway, like a band of gypsies.



Oh yes and the horrible fire in Flagstaff. Had to get some of that. It's so sad. Why do campers not realize, YOU ARE IN AZ, PUT YOUR FREAKING FIRE OUT YOU MORON!



A few weeks earlier J and I went to Flagstaff and on our way home we stopped at the natural bridge near Payson. I had never been there, it was pretty awesome.







I would love to go back with hiking shoes and a bathing suit, but the lady there said the state was going to close them down because of the budget. Yay politicians!

While we were in Williams, we went to Bearazona! You basically drive your car around and look at animals. Bison and mountain goats and big horned sheep, but also BEARS!



They are just roaming around. Then they had two baby bear cubs in a separate area and they were super fun to watch.



Please take me home, I would never bite you.



I am not even sure when they slowed down long enough for me to get that one.

I should probably wrap this post up, it's going to be long and daunting to read as it is. Next up, The boy.

PS, I am seriously considering making several eye patches during this pink eye episode. They could match my outfits...