TODAY is a great day...

My sister in law sent me a very nice e-mail that included this story. I cried while I read it. I guess it's easy to feel alone when you are dealing with junk you really don't want to be dealing with. It made me cry, but it also made me feel better. Thank you Kim, it reminded me I am not alone, and that things are going to work out soon.

Jason and Kelly:

I just had to write and tell you about Matthew's prayers last week. So, of course, we have been praying and fasting for you guys. Well, I guess Matthew was getting a little frustrated. He prays religiously for you that you can have a family. Anyhow, last week he was sitting by me in the morning while the older kids were at school, and he was talking about all of his aunts, uncles, and cousins. So, he starts talking about Uncle Jason and Aunt Kelly. He says, "Mom, when are Jason and Kelly going to be able to have a family?" Well, we have all been praying hard for them, and they are doing everything they can to get some cousins for you. I told him we just need to keep praying and be patient, because I know that Heavenly Father is going to bless them with some children. Matthew said, "Well, then I am going to say another prayer right now." So, Matthew says in his prayer, "Heavenly Father, please bless my Aunt Kelly and my Uncle Jason that they can start their family." Then, he paused for a few seconds and said, "TODAY! In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen."

And thank you Matthew and all of my other sweet little nieces and nephews for your prayers. Thank you so much. :)

Sharing is Caring...

I have debated sharing this. Mostly because I don't want to be a crying wack-a-doo for the rest of my life, but life is about sharing the journey right? We aren't supposed to go it alone, we need each other. That is what life is all about. I have been listening to a few talks by Elder Holland over and over and over and they have really helped me during the last few months and especially last week. He says that God wants us to be strong as well as good. We can't control everything and those moments are for our growth. I know God wants me to be strong.

Last Monday night I found out I was pregnant. Tuesday morning it was confirmed again. I got my doctors appointment set for Friday after work and I had lost the baby by Thursday. Luckily my mom came up Thursday night. Jason had gone hunting Thursday morning. The doctor sent me to the hospital to get blood work done and to make sure it wasn't ectopic. I ended up getting sonograms and poked and prodded only to be told what I already knew. I had lost the baby very early on. As heart breaking and horrible this has been I am very lucky. I am very blessed that I lost it so early. I can't imagine loosing a baby further along. I don't know how I would handle that. I am also blessed because now it appears that there is a possibility of me actually getting pregnant, and as much as I had hoped it would stick I do know the Lord is looking out for me and eventually I am going to be blessed. Jason came home from his hunt early, Friday night late, I am very blessed to have such a loving and supportive husband.

Jason gave me a blessing last night. I was told I would have a family soon, that the Lord wants me to be strong and that I need to focus on my blessings. I had already restarted a gratitude journal, I was already on the right track. The key is going to be staying positive and hopeful while I wait. I am not sure how my family is coming but I am glad they are.

Rather than retreat and try to pretend this painful event didn't happen I come to you asking for your help. Please remember us in your prayers. We appreciate them and feel them help us. Also, my family is going to have a special fast for us on Sunday, if you would like to join us I would be very grateful. I am sorry I haven't been answering my phone much lately, I am getting better. It's just been hard to talk to people. I hope you will forgive me. :)

Thank you all for your love and support it means so very much. I love you all!

"Hope is critical to both faith and charity. When disobedience, disappointment, and procrastination erode faith, hope is there to uphold our faith. When frustration and impatience challenge charity, hope braces our resolve and urges us to care for our fellowmen even without expectation of reward. The brighter our hope, the greater our faith. The stronger our hope, the purer our charity."
--Dieter F. Uchtdorf, "The Infinite Power of Hope", Ensign, Nov 2008, 21–24

My vintage find...

I love a deal! So here is my latest and I think it's awesome!



$25 more than I would usually spend on...well, anything, but it's so super cool and cheap for what it is.

I just need a super fancy place to wear it and some skinny jeans, (which for all intents and purposes I am not sure how I feel about) according to my friend. I think in the right outfit with some of my super cool feather hair pieces it could be a modern vintage feel.

These are my feather things, because apparently I think I need three thousand of them. O_o I am contemplating selling them but I am not sure they are up to par. They are pretty! I like making things it makes me feel better.



And then today I saw the Hugo looking out the window and it was funny to me.



There's a place for us. Somewhere a place for us. I don't know he just looks cool.
Yes I do have to doctor all my photos, mostly so you can't see how gross my couch is. We need a new one so bad.

I have a new barrage of herbs to try. We will see how they do. More than anything I just want to feel normal and be normal and maybe even get pregnant like a normal person does. That would be cool. I am fine with whatever way my family gets to me, I guess if you are the one who is pregnant you know you are more than likely getting a baby and you have more control. Maybe the lesson I am to learn from all of this is to relinquish a little control. Seems to be the theme for my life. Be still and know that I am God. I have a hard time being still, either way balance and happiness would be cool, yay herbs!

I am a rambler...

I have some rambling to get off of my chest. You get to read it! *puts a gold star on your shirt* Yay!
So, the adoption guy came. (I guess he will from now on and lovingly be known as "the adoption guy".)He came and had interviews with us. Of course, mine was a watery interview. It's very difficult for me to discuss such things as my feelings about infertility with a stranger. I find with friends and even co-workers I can talk about it and I am actually very fine with it but something about doctors and men in suits, I don't know what it is, but it was watery. I had to go back to work afterwards so that was fun. It's good though, kids have a way of putting you right back into the now.

Anyway, most of his interview, I think, was to see if I was ready to accept my infertility and accept another child as my own. I wasn't clear enough to have said this but as I have had this weekend to reflect, I really do believe that most of my frustration and emotional output about this subject is just the time line. You know, my mother adopted three children, her mother adopted three children, I always knew that being in this position was not only possible but likely. I came to terms with that as a young adult. My siblings are still my siblings, they were not treated any different, they are my family and always have been. I don't feel like it's a challenge to love someone who lacks your DNA. I wouldn't have thought anyone would have a problem with it until I got certain comments growing up like, "Oh, so your parents treat you differently right?" What? No. Family is family is family. And so I guess I am hoping that my emotional reaction to a strange man asking me how I feel about infertility did not in some way communicate that I am not ready to accept a child that is not born of me, because that's not it at all. I am frustrated because since I was 8 I wanted to be a mom. I am frustrated that 4 years later I still don't feel any closer to that goal. That's what's hard, the waiting and the wanting. The wondering why and if I really am going to be able to walk on my own when they graduate from high school. Will I get to know my grandkids? That's the hard part. All I can do is trust that God knows what's best and what he's doing and that one of these days, this has got to give. I know it in my heart. I know I will be a mother, but as the days wear on, sometimes it's hard to believe it.

Whew, glad that's out there. I also am just so happy I have a friend here now. *throws confetti* It is so nice. It's nice to have a good friend close again. I think women just need friends. My husband is perfectly content to have me as his only friend, I am not, but he would be totally happy that way. Women just need someone to yak at I think, and it's nice when that person yaks back. Go friends!

Anyway, Have a good weekend.

Love from family...

My super cool cousin made me a fertility bracelet and I got it in the mail today. It is so awesome! She even researched the stones that are supposed to help with fertility. It has a turtle and a hope charm. I feel very loved. It's just so nice to know, when you are away from family, that they are not all that far away. I feel very loved and very hopeful. I am going to wear it always. Thanks Lolo, you are awesome!

Thank you to all of you who keep us in your prayers. We really appreciate it and feel the love and support. We love and miss you all.

Tomorrow the LDS Social services guy is coming to our house. I am not sure what to expect but I am excited to hand over all of our paperwork and get something started. I hope it goes smoothly and quickly. I also hope I can keep my tears in check because I have to go back to work after he leaves. For some reason talking about this stuff, especially with strangers makes me weep like crazy. Probably because it's been really hard, but I feel like something is going to come of all of this soon. I sure hope so.