Grace...

At the risk of sounding whiney or complainy or any manner of other negative ways I could sound, I am going to be honest, this stinks. It stinks big ol heaps of stinky diapers. It feels like it will never end and things will never change or get better. I think I am depressed.

Today our nurse, and I often call her my nurse, was telling me what she saw as worst case scenarios were for our sweet little girl. Lest anyone get upset at her for doing so, I will state for the record that I appreciate it immensely. I am not one for having things sprung on me. I like fair warning, I like worst case scenarios, I like to prepare as best as I can. That being said, it's not great news. Worst case scenarios rarely are.

So much of my life I have felt that I have spent in limbo, waiting. I am beginning to realize that, this may be what life is. As John Lennon once said, "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans." It has once again become painfully obvious that I am not in charge here. Shocking I know, and I once again find myself totally and utterly worn out by trying to be in charge, if only mentally. I keep wondering why it is I can't seem to learn this lesson.

I am really hoping that we can avoid, worst case scenario. Here I am trying to be in charge again I suppose, but I would like to invite any and all who would like to, to join our family in a special fast this Sunday coming up for our little Doodle girl. It would mean so much to us if you could. I know that if you could join us and fast and pray for her little lungs, and that she could over come her reflux, and be able to eat well, and grow we might all be able to be a part of a miracle. If we could take our babies and go home and have her mostly healthy that would be a miracle. I just want her to be healthy and happy.

On one hand I am terrified at the work and insanity that will commence when we return home a five person family having left a three person family, but it would be so much nicer to face the insanity with healthy babies.

We really appreciate so much your love and support. It means so much. We love you all. Thank you a million times thank you.

Homeish...

Yesterday was a big day. A big bittersweet day.

Moon Pie came home.

Doodle wore her pearls.

Gasp! You want a picture of me? *batts eyes*

We spent a little time and then she had to say goodbye.

And even though I always knew she would be there longer, it was really hard to leave her. I've been crying about it, but that may also be due to getting absolutely no sleep last night.

Big brother got to really see the little guy.

He approves. We think...

Our awesome nurse saw us off.

It's been a crazy night already and I am exhausted, it will be really nice to go home, in the meantime, we will make the best of it. We are to be locked in our room to keep germs at bay. We are Rapunzel, the family edition. Wish us luck on surviving this, it's crazy with two, I can't imagine when Doodle bug jumps into the mix. It's gong to be insane, but the good kind of insane. It will get much better once we can get home and spread out a little. Yay home. The light is at the end of the tunnel. Come on Doodle let's go!

The little guy is a pooping machine and has taken every opportunity to pee on me. We are flying through the light weight blankets. I think I will be doing laundry every day. Whew, I am beat.

The little things...

Today...

there were polka dots...

and hearts...

and snuggles...

and double snuggles, but those are rare and hard to catch on camera. My arms are a little busy.

Fatness and fancy...

I really love our nurses at the NICU. It's going to be strange to go home and not see them everyday. They have become such a part of our lives. Our primary nurse has been such a blessing. She has really fought for the twins and worked to make sure the best happens for them. It's nice to know that she has our back. Today she told J that she didn't think we were going to be home by our due date in 10 days. Doodle has a ways to go before she can go home. It's sort of like having really premature overdue babies. O_o Yes, as a family we are that cool. We are a collective enigma.

So, here's the question. Does this sweet little girl here,

Look anything like this one? I think she might actually have a little bit of her momma in there after all. Maybe? :)
I am surprised I don't have a pictures of Gracie making that face, I am pretty sure I have seen her make that face.

Today I was in the hall during shift change. We aren't allowed in the NICU during shift change. I could hear some of the nurses laughing and talking by the door they use to come in and out, a group came out. Our nurse must have seen I was out there because she popped her head back out holding Moonpie and said, "Mom, I am awake and I am hungry!"
One of the nurses looked at him, looked at me and said, "What have you done to him?"
I said, "What do you mean what have I done? I have been feeding him."
She said,"He is soooo fat! I have only been gone for a week."

He is 6 pounds 2 oz. It's so crazy to think he was once so so small. Doodle is tipping the scales at 5 pounds 2 oz. It's kind of weird to see how much difference just a pound makes on such a little person. They feel so different.

The doctor even mentioned his fatness today. So much so, he even lowered his calories. The babies have been getting supplemented calories in their milk to help them grow. I never knew I could be so happy to have a fat child. Of course, 6 pounds 2 oz is hardly fat but when you started out at 2 pounds 11 oz, it's a beautiful thing to be that fat.

In other news, I am completely obsessed with this British magazine that is expensive beyond all reason. Well, I guess not beyond all reason because if that were the case, I wouldn't now own 5 digital issues and one paper issue. Considering how cheap I am though, that should tell you of the awesomeness therein. I quite love it. It's brilliant, I would say if I were British.
Cute video that will make you want it here. Click me you know you want to!
It's got my creative juices flowing for sure. I like to tell myself that I will get my house cute and crafty in all my spare time. It could happen, right? Spare time I mean.
Oh, I crack myself up, but seriously, it's that cool.

Places and spaces...

Do you ever go someplace and wonder what those walls have seen?
A place you may think of with fondness, could be painful for someone else?
The stories those walls could tell.

Yesterday, we cheerfully walked into the hall of the NICU. I saw the large group of people and I instantly knew. Their eyes told the whole story, a mama had lost her sweet baby. I walked down the hall past the room where I had first breast fed my sweet little boy, and there sat the mother holding her lifeless baby, the daddy hugging her and family all around. I felt like I had intruded in a holy space. I had seen something I was not meant to see. I said a little prayer and held back the tears, I went back by and I smiled at my babies sleeping peacefully.

A long way home...

They have come a long way. I have been able to breast feed Moon pie, he is doing so good. It's so much fun to see his little double chin. He's so talkative when he is eating. Doodle is growing so much and I am so excited about that. One of the nurses said if Doodle can get going and catch up just a little more they could be in a crib together soon.
Wouldn't that be wonderful?
It would be. I will just go ahead and answer for you.

Wow, we are so completely blessed. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's dim still but it's there. Maybe it's dim because I am kind of terrified to take them home and be on my own. Terrified and thrilled, because that's life.

My babies are due in a month from now. Well a month and some days. Weird hu?

So brand new...

I read this post today and it basically said it perfectly. I have felt this way for a long time, and I always say that I am going to do better but life has a way of happening and old patterns have a way of catching my wheels and dragging me right back into a rut. So, here is to consciously trying to live my life in a more beautiful way. To have more peace and more confidence in what makes me, me.

I figure it can't hurt to take on this endeavor right now. It might make it harder and I might fail, but it's worthy and I want my children, all three of them, (so weird that I have three kids!) to live in peace and beauty and learn to love themselves in the process.

Mostly, I don't want to become a stressed out wreck of a woman. So, I am going to try to rid myself of unhelpful guilt and try my best to be my best, That's all. No biggie. :)

Wish me luck. Also wish me well, I am sick and cannot go to see my babies. Gracie got so big while I have been sick. I need to get a good picture of her. In the meantime Moonpie is here to make you smile.