Heavy things, Heavy Heart...

Last Wednesday we took our little family to the temple grounds for Family Home Evening. We figured we had better take advantage of the nice weather while we had the chance. We took a blanket and our dinner and talked to our 2 year old about the day we took him to the temple to be sealed to us. We talked about getting married in that temple and how grateful we were to be a forever family. We watched brides and grooms getting their pictures taken, a group of young people descended upon some of the flower beds to do a service project and Sam ran through the puddles the sprinklers left on the sidewalk.

Over the last few weeks my heart has been very heavy. I have been following the trial of Dr. Gosnell. He is an abortion doctor who is charged with murder. Not only of babies born alive and then killed but also for at least one woman dying in his dirty disgusting office. I can't read a full article without getting sick to my stomach. The fix? The political powers that be are pushing for fewer regulations. I have cried myself to sleep at night. I wish I could unread some of what I have read. It's effected me deeply. Some of the babies that survived the abortion and then were killed were further along than my twins were when they were born. I was told this was one nut job, but it's not only the methods he used which were appalling, it's the fact that babies this far along are considered a mass of tissue, nothing but a fetus. Completely and utterly devalued. Not that, that excuses abortion in any stage, but after a four month stay in the NICU with my own preemies, my heart hurts for these babies. Babies surviving an abortion being left in a shoe box for twenty minutes before they are finished off. Painful and slow methods before they are born. Talk about an attack on the family. My heart ached for the choices those millions of babies would never have the opportunity to make. My heart ached for the women who felt they had no other option. But mostly, I couldn't believe my own apathy on the issue. I have always known I was against abortion, but I am not doing anything about it. How could we have let it get this far? The new push is going to be for after birth abortions because the risk of the mother being impaled by bone fragments or having complications due to the doctor having a hard time removing all of the baby, something called free floating head. Seriously? What have we become?

As we walked the grounds and looked at the towering hollyhocks we came to the front of the visitor's center. The boy shreiked with joy, he had spotted the large statue of Christ, arms outstretched welcoming all who would come in. "Sheshus" he said and pointed, "I excited!" We strolled our giant stroller through the doors and were greeted by the sister missionaries. There is a room off to the side, usually when we go it's Christmas time and it is full of nativity scenes from all over the world, all different. This time it was art work depicting the life of Christ or the artists' views of how Christ is in our lives now. One piece just struck me to the bone. I am not even sure if I can explain just why. Maybe the only way to explain it was that it was full of truth to me, and it reminded me of who is in charge. I felt a warm rush of peace. I know my options are limited at this time, but I can't sit idly by. If any of you have been inactively against abortion, as I have been, I invite you to get active. We can find a way to try to help.What's the quote, The best way for evil to win is for good men to do nothing? Or something like that? Or this...We may not be able to do much, but we can do something.

The Only Thing Necessary for the Triumph of Evil is that Good Men Do Nothing

It says:

I am NOT the experience nor actions of my parents

It matters not how I became,

but that I AM.

I AM courage

I AM compassion

I AM hope

I AM strong...I AM here

You cannot define me as I CHOOSE who I become.

I AM THE FUTURE.

- Christina Rankin

I am so grateful that the boy's birth mother didn't abort him. I stayed with her at the hospital for three days and watched her agonize over her decision, I watched her heart break over and over again. Mine broke with hers while it rejoiced at the opportunity I was given. He is truly such a joy. I am so grateful for the staff at TMC and at Graham county regional for taking care of my 28 week preemies. I am so grateful they survived and bring me so much joy to this day. And mostly I am grateful for the knowledge I have that families go on. That those babies are safe and happy even if they were not given the opportunities of life that so many of us are afforded. I am thankful for my savior and the plan that he has for us. I am thankful that he can lighten my heavy heart. Don't take anything for granted, live your life with joy for all of those who never had the opportunity to, I know I am going to try to. Value your children, love them with reckless abandon. The darker the shadow, the brighter the light. Let's be that light. 
See more photography by Helen Thomas Robson here


 Arizona Right to Life

 An article that is good and will not give you nightmares:
http://www.lifenews.com/2013/02/04/why-my-support-for-abortion-was-based-on-love-and-lies/
"I realized in that moment that perfectly good, well-meaning people—people like me—can support gravely evil things through the power of lies. From my own experience, I knew how the Greeks, the Romans, and people in every other society could put themselves into a mental state that they could leave a newborn child to die: The very real pressures of life—“We can’t afford another baby,” “There’s no dowry for another girl,” “This disability would overwhelm us”—left them susceptible to that oldest of temptations: To dehumanize other human beings. Though the circumstances were different, it was the same process that had happened with me, with the concurring Supreme Court justices in Stenberg v. Carhart, the abortion doctors, the entire pro-choice movement, and anyone else who’s ever been tempted to dehumanize inconvenient people."

*PS, this is my heart and soul please don't start some lame political argument. That would be my luck, the one post that gets comments and it's haters...

The dichotomy of my life...

Infomercial

Reverse psychology...

Once upon a time, many many years ago, we are talking Jr. High here, there lived a girl. This girl, like many others her age began to wear makeup. This girl made a vow, a staunch and firm and unshakeable vow, that none would see her without that makeup ever again. She had arrived. She was of age and by George, she was going to look her best ALWAYS. She was always careful not to touch her eyes, she dabbed at them when she cried. She took care to look her best. This girl also used to sleep on sponge rollers every night to combat her flat hair. She obsessed about her pasty white skin. She tried to combat "it all" with dignity and grace.
And then she had children...

Now, if she wears mascara it's all over her face because she forgot and rubbed her eyes vigorously. That's IF she wears mascara at all. Then she sees the whiskers and just whimpers...

I think in some ways I have come to a place of acceptance, at least, I hope I have. I will never accept the whiskers. I must fight them to the death! Do you ever get tired of hating on yourself? I think about my body and cringe, and yet, in my heart I know what a divine gift of freaking amazing glory it is. It really is. So, I have decided that I need to take care of it. Not because I hate it or wish it to change, although, when I take better care of it chances are I will like it better, but because it's a gift, and I don't want to be ungrateful. In all of it's lumpy, pasty, whiskery glory, it truly is a gift. I have to admit, in the darkest of my childless days, it got way too easy to hate it. Maybe it's time to, once again, accept and forgive and love.

I also want my little peanut posse to learn to love themselves too. I don't want to teach them to hate on something so wonderfully spectacular. They will learn to do that without me helping them right along that path of despair. So, I got to thinking, what if I tried my best to teach them a different path? A path of happiness and health and acceptance. I am not sure what that looks like. I am not even sure I can do it. I feel like hating on ourselves is what we do, but does it have to be? It's such a time sucking and joy sucking, soul sucking, and really just a generally unhelpful activity. Satan is a jerk.

I do this for them, and for me, but mostly for them. Wish me luck. I hope I can stay the course. I am now accepting encouragement and prayers that project get healthy is a success. I start officially on Monday. I am hoping to change my whole thought process and be victorious. *rocker pose*

A reception for a fairy princess...

It's such a relief to have this reception over. That being said, it was one of the most beautiful receptions I have ever seen, and I had a great time. It was good to see so many people. The kids were horribly grumpy but that didn't cramp our style. I think they are just so used to being at home the people and outdoors were a little much for them. The food was great. It was just a fun night. My uncle told me I was adorable, that can't be bad. So without further ado, I bring you the reception.

My one regret is for some reason I was too brain dead to go get one from the entry of the whole thing. Lame. 

The happy couple. She looked lovely. 

 I think Gracie inherited my "nobody cries alone" gene. Every time Sam cries she is right there with him.

The kids had a blast.

My little dapper dude and the cousins.

So, the husband read on life hacker that saying "yoga" in pictures rather than "cheese" results in a more natural smile...Life hacker lies.

I write the things...

I came across an old journal from college. I only read a page or two, but came to the conclusion that it was pretty much useless information and did not make me proud to be me.  It contains the details of two relationships that I really botched. Like, I have had some serious regrets over these over the years and not even that I wish for this to be the same or different, I just wish I had been better,  kinder. It's not my proudest moments there in that book.  So, as I am trying to journal again I am wondering what things will be of value to those who come after me? I try to think about what things I would like to know about my family.  I am not really sure specifically.  What do you  think? Do any of you have any journaling tips?

In the meantime, it's nice to have nice weather and no sickies for a whopping week. 

I guess you could say things didn't go as planned.