The joy...

At Jill's suggestion I have been reading Sheye Rosemeyer's blog. I started at the beginning and I am now more than halfway through. I started to read it before, before The boy, and I just couldn't do it. It was too hard, now that he is here I find it's still hard but it's a different kind of hard. The one thing I have really pulled from sharing in her experience is just how quickly life can change, how quickly those we love can be gone. How much we take for granted and how very precious our families and this life are.

As a result, I have decided I need to live my life with more joy. I need to stop over thinking things and just enjoy. I want to stop worrying about my weight and my body, I don't want to be scared to wear certain things because of what people might think. I want to make the most out of every moment that I can. I want to fix old hurts and wrongs. I have tried that before and it didn't go well, but it did mean that I tried and I was able to let it go and feel at peace. I don't know. I guess I just want to know that I really did do everything I could have to be the kind of person i really want to be.

I have been so worried about The boy not accepting us, of him not loving us and getting hurt by that. It's scary to adopt because you just don't know if that fact is going to adversely affect them forever or if they are going to be OK with it. Kids can be cruel they say mean things, are people going to say hateful things to him and make him think he should have a problem?

I have decided that I cannot life my life in fear of that either. I can't worry about what other people do. Other people are other people and they do what they do, all I can do is surround that sweet little boy with love and acceptance and pray my guts out that we do a good job, and I think that we will. So I guess, I am trying to let go of the fear, let go of the guilt, let go of the negative. I envision it as thought we all just lug around this weight of guilt and fear and what if's and should have's and all we have to do is let go and move forward in a better way, learning from our mistakes, but then moving forward with love and joy.

So that is my goal to move forward with love and joy. My blog may become a lot more personal, I am not doing this for you, it's mostly for me, and I am allowing you to share in it. Why would I edit it and worry about it? It's easier for me to sit down and type something out than it is to write it out, I am going to try to do that too, but I am just giving fair warning.

Now, I am pretty sure I will still have bad days, and be a grump and a downer at times, but it's about he the journey right? It's about what makes us stronger. So this is my goal.

I have been sick all week and I am happy to report that even with that I wore two skirts and a dress and a pair of shoes that I worried about ruining or people thinking they were weird twice. Granted, I didn't really go anywhere besides my mom's house. (Getting out of the house with a newborn is hard work) but that made it even more a victory for me. I looked nice even when I had no where to go, AND I was sick. *joy* Go me! Men are that they might have joy, it's there for the taking and intend to take some.

I think a big part of joy is gratitude. So I also think this is a challenge for me to just be more grateful for the many blessings I have on a daily basis. Sometimes, when I am in the middle of something hard it's really hard for me to look up and see what I have all around me. We truly are so blessed. I can't believe we got our sweet boy. What a blessing! It's truly a miracle that he came to us. What a blessing indeed.



I think I over process my photos, something else I am learning from Sheye's blog. Hopefully that will get better as I go along too. I promise, full boy blog is on the way.
Peace and love and lots of joy,
Kelly