Forgiveness, closure, and letting go...

I never know if such topics are appropriate for blogging. I want a fun happy blog but once in a while, I just get to thinking so much it can't be stopped.

Forgiveness has been on my mind lots lately. I am not entirely sure why except that it correlates with my quandary. My quandary is this, how do you give your burdens to the Lord? It seems easy enough, but they seem so ever-present and they become such a part of who we are. Or is it just me? I think forgiveness goes with this well, because you can't forgive until you give those feelings of hurt and anger to the Lord, but how do you do that? The only thing I can think of is to pray...a lot.
Admittedly so, I tend to hang on to hurts and injustices far longer than I should. I think I love deeply and care deeply so when that trust is broken or hurt it hurts very deeply and is very hard for me to get over. Not that this excuses me at all, it just means it's that much harder for me to let it go, which is not good folks. I don't know if you have heard but forgiveness is a big deal!

So, I have been pondering this, I also have had many thoughts about "closure" what is it? Why do we think we need it? I have realized that any time I have sought closure it has only ended badly or made things worse. And really wouldn't closure be something different for every person? We all want closure yet, who ever looks at a situation and thinks, "wow, I really owe them some closure." And again, like I said, seeking closure has never served me well. Today it struck me. Closure is the worldly version of giving your burdens to the Lord. That's why it never works or really makes us feel any better. It's not the same as giving those burdens to the Lord and trusting that all will be right in the end. Maybe the only good that could come of closure is it might open up a dialogue to allow for forgiveness. I think I am on to something here.

Today was ward conference. I had to meet with the stake pres to get my temple recommend renewed. Have you ever met one of those people who when they look into your eyes you swear they are looking right at your soul? This is my stake president. So as soon as he starts talking to me I feel myself tearing up because I just know he can see all the sorrow in my eyes. He is also one of those people who remembers everyone's name and situation. Anyway, I had my interview and I was already sobbing by the time he hit question three. He cried with me as we talked about our situation and how badly I want a family. He assured me he knew it would happen for us, he didn't know how but he knew it would. He even gave me his cell phone number and asked that we please let him know next time we were having a fast so he and his wife and his counselors could join us. I really felt the love of the Lord as we talked, he told me I was just being polished and refined, I just really appreciate the tender mercies of the Lord. To just send someone to remind me that everything was going to be OK, and to let me feel a little of the love the Lord has for me. It was really beautiful, and now I have a headache. He also told me I can't ask for too many priesthood blessings and I appreciated that for sure, because my husband has been blessed to use his priesthood quite a bit the last year, and I wondered if I was asking for too many. I am so grateful for my husband and his choices that have made him the wonderful man that he is.

I am ready to give this sadness to the Lord. I don't want to worry that people see the sadness and anguish in my eyes. I want to hand it over and be free of this burden. I guess I always thought that would only happen when we were finally blessed with our family, but it doesn't have to be. I can have that peace now, and I am ready to let go and accept it. I think. If only I could figure out how to let it go, it doesn't have to be a part of who I am. It can be a part of who I was, but I want to break free of it. He has already taken this upon himself, there is no reason for me to hang on, and yet, I am just so sad, it's all I want. I want to be a mom, and I will be and that is what I need to hang on to. It will happen. It will...


And now I need to rehydrate and take a nap. Peace out.