Fun is spelled ER

My husband just told me he wanted to help me write this post so it didn't sound too bitter. I don't know what he's talking about.

Sunday I started to bleed. I wasn't too worried, I wasn't happy about it or not worried at all but the Dr. had mentioned that if they were to take me off of the progesterone shots cold turkey, people bleed a lot and it freaks them out. So, knowing the glories of my body, I kind of figured even with the weaning I would probably have some bleeding. It was more than I had had in the past though and the hubs looked pretty worried. After consulting with the Dr. we decided it may be worth it just to go and get an ultra-sound if only for peace of mind. My dear friends, remember this, the ER is not for peace of mind.

Off we went to the ER blissfully unaware of the torturous hell that awaited me. Ultra sound, how bad could it be? Another tip for any of you ER goers. If you are not hemorrhaging blood, or on the verge of death, a 10 minute wait time = 50 min. I think that's the official conversion.

So we got through triage and waited our "10 minutes". There was a poor man in a wheel chair that looked like he was in a lot of pain. They told him 10 minutes too, I thought he should probably get back before us, but we were first. They put us in our room and shut the door. The Dr. and two nurses came in and said hi talked to us, told us they were ordering an ultra sound and left. We sat there wondering where they were "ordering" it from. Philly? Maybe from New York? Maybe it was being flown in from Paris right then! J was hoping he would at least get a tracking number emailed to him after they ordered it so he could at least have an idea when it would get here.

I ask for water, and the nurse says, "let me ask and see if it is OK"

Hour later.

Grumpy ultra sound tech guy came in, looked at me and walked out. OK? That was weird.


In comes the Dr. "I understand you are refusing a foley?"

Me: *blink Blink* What's a foley?

Dr.: Nobody talked to you about it?

Me: Uh, no, what is a foley?

They made it sound like the only way to have an ultra sound was to have this foley that they spoke of. Folks, a foley is a catheter. So, being the naive girl that I am and trusting the medical professionals around me, I said, "I will do what I need to do."

In comes nurse Betty (That is her real name). I am starting to re-think this whole process. It seems to me the last time I needed an ultrasound in a hurry I just drank lots of water and all was well except for the needing to pee. I told her I didn't want it. She laughed and told me I was funny. O_o No, I really don't think I want it. On second thought I do refuse. So I ask her how bad is it?

"Have you ever been out and had one?"

"no"

Have you given birth?"

"no"

"Oh it's probably a 10. Open your legs and relax sweetie."

Uh no. Dear readers, you know that the pain scale only goes up to 10 right? We all know this. We decided nurse Betty would be a great "interrogator" for the CIA. With a smile: "This is only going to be the most excruciating thing you have ever felt, so there will be some pressure. Of course you can tell me all of your secrets and you won't have to go through this."


I was ready to do anything not to get that giant tube shoved up me. So after like 4 attempts and me going into a hysterical meltdown of fear and pain she gave up...AND brought me two bottles of water to start drinking. REALLY? Our first move is to shove a giant tube up a person, we go there BEFORE we try WATER?

I drink two 24 oz of water in about 20 minutes. I am sitting there shivering and shaking completely freaked out of my mind. I wondered if they were trying to ensure that I miscarried at this point. I wondered if we could just walk out. Peace of mind was not worth this.

Nurse Betty comes in and tells me she needs to draw my blood. She looks all over for a vein and decides she needs to call in the big guns, the lab tech. Grumpy ultra sound guy comes in, I inform him the catheter was a no go. *sigh* says the grumpy lab tech guy, "It's going to be like 1 and a half hours then if you are just drinking water."
"yup see you then" I take a swig.

I am still shaking uncontrollably. Lab Tech comes in and tries a few veins and then tells me.

"I can't get it if you keep shaking."

Really Lab tech, I don't really have control over that, nurse Betty over there traumatized me and I am just supposed to calm right back down? One thing I have noticed about medical professionals, is they don't really realize that the hunk of flesh they are shoving tubes up, and jamming needles into are people. I don't feel there is a whole lot of empathy. So dude gets my blood, it hurts a lot. Then they tell me they are going to check my HCG. Ummm..hello? I told you I was pregnant with twins, have been for 10 weeks now. Can't the ultra sound just confirm that fact?

Dude leaves, and I throw up about 10 gallons of water all over everywhere and J. He said it was like someone put their thumb over a garden hose and turned it on full blast. I am that awesome. I call the nurse. "Umm...I threw up all over the floor" Some girls come in to clean it up. Nurse Betty comes back in, again I am so funny and she wishes she knew me because I am so funny. At this point J and I had been pretty pleasant considering. J helped me laugh through it. I love him for that.
In comes grumpy ultra sound tech. He rolls me off the the ultra sound. I didn't tell him I threw up all the water.

Grumpy ultra sound tech guy wheels me to to the state of the art ultra sound machine. I would also like to take this time point out that I drank quite a bit of water before leaving for the ER, and I am pregnant, I am also pretty sure the catheter experience triggered my fight or flight response and all the pee is right there ready for grumpy ultra sound tech. I was probably ready to be ultra sounded before all the trauma began.

I lay down, I am looking at a poster of dolphins on the ceiling. I guess that is supposed to sooth me. I was stabbed in the arm multiple times, and I had a woman try to shove a large tube inside of me; but there is a picture of 2 dolphins frolicking in the vast ocean, so everything is better.

I can't really see the ultrasound so I ask, "Are they OK?" This is why I came here, this is all I wanted. Grumpy responds, "I can't diagnose anything." I lay there praying Jason can see and let me know if they look OK. J gives me a thumbs up. Relief. Back to the room I go. J says he went really fast but he thought he saw them moving. Good, good.

Dr comes in and tells me from what he can see it looks good. There are no tears in the placenta. I still have to wait for the grand hoohaw of dr's to look at it and let us know. So we wait. Meanwhile the Dr. is trying to reach my Dr. The grand hoohaw says the same, all looks OK and they even told us the heart rates. I wish I could remember. By this time, J and I are ready to leave, we are discussing where we will go eat, because we came in at 12:20 and it's like 4 or 5 by now. Dr. says we can go soon.

My Dr. calls back. He needs them to get my blood to check my blood type and my RH. Are you freaking kidding me? I haven't eaten, I haven't really had water since it spewed out of me. I have another melt down. "Do you know how many times it took them to get this blood? Please is there any other way?" I sob. I call my parents neither of them know my blood type. I was begging them not to do it. Can I get it done at my Dr. appt on Thursday? They don't miss my veins. I will be calmer. Please ANYTHING! The Dr. explains to me that it won't effect this pregnancy but if I have an RH problem and I get pregnant again it would cause a miscarriage. This will tell you how delirious I was at this point. I said through my sobs, "It has taken us 6 years and two rounds of inVitro to get these! I don't really think it's going to be an issue! I am probably never having any more kids. I am 33 and pregnant with twins I don't think I am going to be rushing off to get pregnant after this! Please! Don't do this!"

J is sitting there looking at me wide eyed. Wondering how I could just write off having anymore kids just like that. Did I mention I was starving? The Dr. decides they don't need to get my blood, they will get my release papers ready. THANK YOU! J talks to me about what had just happened. He does not want me to regret this in the future. I told him the chances of me getting pregnant times the chances of actually having an RH problem, were a chance I was willing to take. Then I thought maybe I had been too rash, but then I decided, if I went to the Dr. and said I do want it checked it's not like it had to be done right then in that horrible and hideous moment of my life. I was confident I could have it done at a later more calm date.

I go to the bathroom, I am bleeding again. I am not going to tell them. I tell J we are not going to tell them that I started to bleed again. I sit and wait and feel a rush of blood. I go to the bathroom, yup, it's quite a bit. I better tell them. I sit in the bathroom and contemplate locking myself in there. Maybe I could climb through one of those tile roof slat things. Maybe? I come out of the bathroom, there sits the nurse (not nurse Betty, there has been a shift change a while ago.)with my discharge papers. I look at her and say, "I am bleeding again." She gets the Dr. and he says, we need to start all over.

I start to cry for the 40th time that day. The Dr. says I will need my blood drawn. J says, "We have been here since noon, can we please get some food?" 3 different people poke me 3 or four times before they call in the tech again. New tech, scary tech. Scary tech comes in and sees I am eating (finally) and says he will be back when I am done. Somehow I am not so hungry anymore. I eat slowly. They didn't bring J anything. I feel guilty for eating, and I am wishing I could enjoy it more. I just want to go home. I have been worrying about the boy and grandma and how they are doing.

The navy seal of blood techs comes in and pokes me several places. Finally he decides the best place is in my wrist. Which by the by, is the most painful place ever to have your blood drawn. They even stuck a IV connector so if they need more blood they don't have to poke me again. Give me strength. She draws what seems like 8 hundred tubes of blood, and the tears continue to flow. They give me another shot of progesterone. The Dr. does a pelvic exam and says my cervix is closed. That's good. At this point I think they realize they have done all they possibly can. I am to sit for an hour and see how much I bleed. J and I play scrabble on our phones. Our phones start to die. The nurse comes in and tells me after all of that, that my blood type is O+. A non issue! *throws confetti* She follows that statement with, "You really need to donate blood." I think I laughed out loud. I couldn't help it. It wasn't a polite chuckle either it was more of a HA! Have you not been here for the last 4 hours or so? We finally walk out of there at about 8:15 at night and we missed the rain storm. The rain storm I have been waiting for all Summer. I think I had my own personal rain storm from my eyes. That was...*sigh*

We get in the car and drive home. I think it will take a whole heck of a lot to get me back there again.

Here are my tips for the ER.

Ask questions, especially if something doesn't sound right. They are trying to get things done quickly for them, they are not thinking about you.

If you are getting an ultra sound drink water, avoid the catheter. Just say no.

If it is a pregnancy related trip to the ER, you are pregnant, and you are getting an ultrasound anyway refuse the HCG bloodwork. Who needs to be poked and bruised to find out "Yup, you sure are pregnant!" Duh.

I find that most of the time, I don't want to be that person. Go ahead and be that person. They don't think of you as a person, they think of you as a hunk of flesh and veins and holes to stick things in. Only you can stand up for yourself. After the fact I learned you can leave at any time you just have to sign a paper that says you are leaving against their advice.

Wait until the next day and go see your regular Dr. then go from there. I went to my Dr. the following day and had an ultrasound a pelvic exam and a blood draw took 40 minutes, and no catheter. Just sayin'

So now, I am on bed rest as they try to wean me from the hormones again. Wish me luck. Bed rest is not so fun. I miss my baby. Everything is OK, just hoping I don't bleed badly anymore. I am accepting all prayers and well wishes in this endeavor. Also, for those of you who are freaked out by the bleeding, it's actually quite common and unless I am bleeding super bad and having horrible cramps I am probably OK. 90% of the time you see a heart beat in an ultra sound the babies are going to be fine. So don't panic, I'm not, unless you come at me with a catheter.

The End.

swirliing whirling thoughts of doom

I feel like a blog post without a picture is a like a sandwich without the bread, which kind of makes it not a sandwich at all.
I have lots on my mind none of which will probably come out well or in an understandable manner. So you really do deserve a picture, but here's the thing. I don't really have access to a proper computer anymore. I have my phone, and I have this monstrosity that was made out of my large TV, but it's really  hard to edit pictures and do fun things without your own computer. I also have a husband who happens to live, breathe and eat computers so I don't get on that one much either. It's really killed my blogging life and my pinterest addiction. That may be a good thing. Pinterest just reminds me of all of the things I am not doing that I really want to do. I have pictures. We took wedding pictures I wanted to share, and the boy is still cute but alas. Not for you,
So, I want to rant a bit about the HCG diet. May I? I think I shall. I don't know how people think that is healthy. Aren't we all in agreement that if you limit yourself to 500 calories a day you are going to loose weight because you are starving yourself? I mean, hello? My nurse friend who stabs me on a daily basis with hormones told me the reason it "works" is because HCG is the stuff you start making when you are pregnant. All the people on it thinks it makes you think you are not hungry. (point me to the pregnant woman who isn't hungry, and not because she is sick.) It's actually that HCG tells your body to give what you have to the baby. The baby takes what it needs, you get the leftovers. So basically you are making your body think there is something in you eating the calories and because you are starving yourself it takes from your body to "provide". It's pretty creepy if you ask me. If you think that isn't drawing from your bones and your muscles you are living in a fantasy land. Plus, I have never met anyone who did it once and was cured of their weight problem. So then people keep doing it! How can that be healthy?
Which leads me to my next point. Women of the world, what is our malfunction? What would this world be like if we spent less time focused on our looks and imperfections and were a force for good in our homes and our neighborhoods? I think of all the time I have spent and still spend lamenting this or that about my body, wishing and hating on and being depressed over. It's madness! What if I used that time in more productive ways? I have been thinking a lot about how Satan has really got us all on the wrong track. I mean, what if we took that time to be fabulous? The sad thing is it just gets passed on and on and on to generations of girls, and the mothers probably never realized they were passing on those messages. My mom never told me I needed to loose weight or anything, but I went shopping with her and I heard what she said about herself. Years later when I was shopping those same sizes, I had a nervous breakdown. All of those times in the dressing room with my mom came flooding back to me like a horror film. I was fat! And here is the kicker, as a kid, I remember thinking, "what is she talking about she isn't even fat." Yet when it was me, I suddenly had a problem. I don't want to pass this on to my children! How do we avoid it? It's such a part of our culture and everything really. How do we combat this? It's been weighing on my mind, and I don't even have a girl that I know of yet. What if we took all that time and energy and all of the organizational skills of planning to stick to a diet and did more eternally significant things with our lives. I don't know about you but I have tons of spiritual stuff I really need to work on. Yet I fret about the fact that I want to be a "cute" pregnant lady, so what can I do to be "cute". Lame! It's just really hit me that if we understood the power that we as women have and took advantage of it, the world would be an amazing place. If we had self confidence there wouldn't be crazy psycho jealous girls. If we had self confidence and real peace about who we were we would all be friends and a strength to each other. I think Satan has sure done a number on us, and it kind of pisses me off. And yet, I still fall victim to it. Do I think we need to be healthy? Yes. I think if we had a healthy understanding of who we were, who we are to God, we would be living our lives in a healthy and very rewarding way. I think we should do our best to look our best and be our best and be healthy but the lamenting and the self talk and the doom! It's got to go! How do we make it go?
I think I will follow this with a favorite quote:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
Marianne Williamson
 
*nods* So hopefully I will come back and read this next time I am sad that nothing fits over my chest and certain stores don't even carry my size.

Whew, Sorry about the rant kids.

So, update on the boy. He is good, he can walk but chooses not to. It's much faster to crawl and I see that he is a man who likes to stick with what works. I wonder if he will be set in his ways. I have a video of his walking though to prove it does exist! He's pretty darn cute if I do say so myself.



I could go on about pregnancy gas and how it makes me want to die sometimes, but we can save that for another time. Hopefully I will be back with pictures.

Double blessed...

I got a message from my lovely cousin asking me where I went. Here I am! I am still here and as I thought I would be oh so good about writing in a journal, alas, I haven't been. Shocker right?

I am 8 weeks pregnant today. Weird hu? I think so. I was feeling pretty crappy for the first several weeks but it seems I have mastered the eating/sick cycle and I am doing much better. Of course, as soon as I say that I start feeling yucky.

We are pregnant with twins! Can you believe it? My Dr. couldn't. He said they were both surprised because of the quality of my embryos. Thanks dude, that's a boost of confidence. As J says, what do you expect from the dollar store of fertility treatments. We didn't pay extra for bedside manner I guess. Either way, I have had dreams of deformed zombie children because my embryos were so bad, but then I figured, prayer makes such a difference. So I feel blessed and I am not so worried. I am completely terrified for when they get here but not so worried about their health. I am hopeful they will be healthy and strong and I am going to do everything I can to try to carry them to term. Have I mentioned I am totally freaked out by childbirth? I am.

Here is a video of the sonogram we had yesterday. It's on the older machine so it's not so great. I am hoping for the one in two weeks we will get the better machine and will bring you something that doesn't look like blobs.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PqayzP1J5A8

So yeah, I am really tired all of the time. Hunger hits me like that wall of dust all you valley people had to endure the other day and if I don't eat like right then I start feeling really sick. Fun times, but all worth it. In a couple of weeks or so I might even be able to stop taking shots! *fan fare and confetti* Won't that be a delight? I think so.

The boy is sleeping. Still not walking, but at least he is cute, and I think I will take this time to join him in his sleeping efforts. Maybe mom and the boy will be much happier afterwards. He's been a grumpus, probably because he has such a tired boring mom at the moment. :P

The results are in...

Hello all,
I have news, but I took the weekend to kind of just process it and contemplate my sweet little family and celebrate that J and I have been married for 7 years. It's been a crazy ride for sure. I am black and blue from shots, I am pudgy and bloated from hormones, I am a bit emotionally drained from all the travel and worry and what if's. I have had emotional break downs that I am sure have made J think I am crazy. It's been ridiculous. And so, after the longest two weeks of my life I am happy to announce that I will remain a human pincushion, because I am pregnant!

It's strange to be telling everyone when it is only about 3 weeks along, 2 and a half at the least, but you have all been with us through the whole journey and in a way it is good because I can ask for your continued prayers and support that my body might be able to carry  the baby or babies to term and that he/she/they might be healthy. We don't know how many have taken as of yet. That makes me kind of nervous, but I am hoping it won't be too long before we know what kind of madness we are dealing with. Hopefully it is only madness to the tune of one or two. I think if I had four I might go crazy. The Lord qualifies who he calls right? right? So, this is where we are right now. I am cautiously excited. I have had miscarriages in the past, but this is very different and I think everything is going to go well. I hope so anyway.

Thanks so much for all of your love and prayers and support. There are people I don't even know praying for us and I just feel oh so blessed and I stand all amazed at the love people are so willing to share and give. It's been strange in a way to be so public with everything, but at the same time, it's been such a blessing and such a support. That's why we are here, to help each other and support each other through, and I have really learned that in this process.

Thank you again! Love and kisses to all of you from all of us!

The boy, I am

Hi,
I am the boy. I am one. I like to swing on swings. I like to take baths. I like the piano and my mom's ukulele. I love cheese puffs and climbing stairs. I point like a pro and say ah while I do. I get frustrated if you don't understand what I want. I like fruit and yogurt and I like to give hugs. I have 9 teeth with another one coming through. I suck on my minky blankets. Minky is my favorite fabric. That's how I go to sleep. I sleep super good. I take two naps a day, my mom is thankful, they make me a happy boy. My parents think I am pretty awesome, I have to agree. I do have 9 teeth you know. I like my teeth, I use them to pull lids off of things. I like to try to use the hand rail on the stairs, it makes my mom freak out and worry about me, it's funny. I don't like to sit in the seat of the shopping carts. It's more fun to make my parents haul me around the store. I want to feed myself, it's more messy and fun that way. I like to rub apple sauce all over my face and hair if I get the chance. I nod, I clap, I just learned how to sign please. I really love to dance, music is my favorite. I crawl and I don't walk just yet, but I am sure I will soon. I love my mom and I love my dad and I love my Grandma and they love me.
I am the boy, I am one.

The Visitors...

We had just a few visitors this weekend. Two of which were Tati and her mommy. We were so very glad they could come to visit.

We got to break in the boy's rockin new pool. Until auntie and I got hot and tired of being outside, but they had a fun time. I know what you are thinking too, how could the boy possibly be theirs he is sooooo tan! HA! Some things are just meant to be.

cheeeese!

We went to the duck pond and found ourselves surrounded by geese.

The boy wanted them to be his very best friends. I think he wanted to ride them across the pond! He tried to touch them several times.

Tots was not so sure.

 

Come on tater tot! Look how nice they look! They really were tame. I wasn't worried, although the hissing noise they make is a little off putting. They should work on that.

Tots rode on uncle J's shoulders over to the horses with her fists clenched the whole time, she is a good sport for not throwing a fit.
We rode on the swings and slid down the slides. The boy is not much of a slides kind of guy, he stuck with the swing.

We had a nice relaxing time with Tater and L. We hope they come back sometime. The Hawaiian ice is so totally worth it.
And the geese

....

The smallest birds sing the prettiest songs...

Bye!