Places and spaces...

Do you ever go someplace and wonder what those walls have seen?
A place you may think of with fondness, could be painful for someone else?
The stories those walls could tell.

Yesterday, we cheerfully walked into the hall of the NICU. I saw the large group of people and I instantly knew. Their eyes told the whole story, a mama had lost her sweet baby. I walked down the hall past the room where I had first breast fed my sweet little boy, and there sat the mother holding her lifeless baby, the daddy hugging her and family all around. I felt like I had intruded in a holy space. I had seen something I was not meant to see. I said a little prayer and held back the tears, I went back by and I smiled at my babies sleeping peacefully.

A long way home...

They have come a long way. I have been able to breast feed Moon pie, he is doing so good. It's so much fun to see his little double chin. He's so talkative when he is eating. Doodle is growing so much and I am so excited about that. One of the nurses said if Doodle can get going and catch up just a little more they could be in a crib together soon.
Wouldn't that be wonderful?
It would be. I will just go ahead and answer for you.

Wow, we are so completely blessed. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, it's dim still but it's there. Maybe it's dim because I am kind of terrified to take them home and be on my own. Terrified and thrilled, because that's life.

My babies are due in a month from now. Well a month and some days. Weird hu?

So brand new...

I read this post today and it basically said it perfectly. I have felt this way for a long time, and I always say that I am going to do better but life has a way of happening and old patterns have a way of catching my wheels and dragging me right back into a rut. So, here is to consciously trying to live my life in a more beautiful way. To have more peace and more confidence in what makes me, me.

I figure it can't hurt to take on this endeavor right now. It might make it harder and I might fail, but it's worthy and I want my children, all three of them, (so weird that I have three kids!) to live in peace and beauty and learn to love themselves in the process.

Mostly, I don't want to become a stressed out wreck of a woman. So, I am going to try to rid myself of unhelpful guilt and try my best to be my best, That's all. No biggie. :)

Wish me luck. Also wish me well, I am sick and cannot go to see my babies. Gracie got so big while I have been sick. I need to get a good picture of her. In the meantime Moonpie is here to make you smile.

Premature...

I am sure most of you have heard. Remember how I had babies coming in February, or maybe January? They decided to come in November. So, things have been a little tad bit crazy.
As it turns out, I must have a higher tolerance for pain that I thought. This is evidenced by the fact that I didn't realize I was in labor until my water broke and it was everlastingly too late to do much to keep those kids in. J was gone hunting, Lexi was up to help me, and the twins were bound and determined to come.

I had an emergency C section. There was a time I was afraid of being abducted by aliens, I think I have experienced the closest thing to it. They wanted to fly me to the hospital. The dr. came in and told me I was fully dilated, he said he could see a head. Emergency C-section, here I come. Bright lights people holding me down and shoving things places things should not be shoved. Bless Lex, I think Lex was going to march herself in there with me. They had to stop her from coming in, her face was so sad. I remember telling her it would be OK. The one guy kept telling me he was going to put me to sleep and I just remember thinking "OK then do it, I don't want to feel this catheter if you don't mind."

I woke up to my brother in law and one of the Dr.'s giving me a blessing. From here details are fuzzy, I was fuzzy. My parents were there, J was driving down from Flagstaff. From what I understood the babies were alive and going to be flown to TMC. I got to see them in the transport, I remember it took longer than I thought it would. My family brought me pictures, Lex took some with my phone. J called, he was broken down in Globe. My parents drove our other car down to him and he headed to Tucson to be there with the babies. His parents met him there. Or so I hear.
Lex slept in the hospital, she stayed right with me. When they thought they would fly me out, she was going to get on that helicopter with me. They had to tell her she couldn't. She is good to have around in an emergency. I am glad they didn't fly me out looking back, I can't imagine her driving to Tucson, she would have flown. Three days in the hospital and I finally got to go and see my babies. Apparently, J should have died driving that truck, we are so blessed. Can you imagine if he had been in a horrible accident too? Words cannot express how blessed I feel.

This is Mr Moonpie

This is Doodle Bug

It's only been two weeks since they came, it's been a total roller coaster. My emotions have run a muck. I have never cried so hard, or been so completely overwhelmed with gratitude. I have been angry at the situation, and so utterly relieved by the situation. As of now, all I know is that the priesthood is amazing, people are good and kind and giving, and I completely believe in miracles. We have witnessed miracles. The miracles to get the boy, and now the miracles of these sweet little babies. They keep doing better, and I am just so glad they made it and keep fighting through. I was able to hold Moonpie when he was 10 days old, and today was the first day I was able to hold my Doodle, 16 days old.

This is me holding Moonpie.

Moonpie was 2 lbs 11 oz 15.25 in long
Doodle was 2 lbs 9.5 oz 15 in long

They are both doing pretty well, Doodle struggles a bit more than her brother. Please keep them in your prayers. Thank you so much for your love and support, we are truly blessed by you all.

Late Halloween

Before the car and blanket:

After the car and the blanket:

Note to self:
Make-up after the car and blanket. Lesson learned.

Possibly upcoming: I crocheted something really cute and I don't know how many of my readers crochet, so I have been debating putting it up here. You see, it's a Christmas present, and I am grappling with the joy of surprise and the joy of getting to make a present for some lovely little girl you know. If you are interested let me know, otherwise it will be a post for another year, next year to be exact. :)

Fall for the boy...

Yesterday J's aunt took Grandma, J, The  boyand I out to the pumpkin patch. At first I wasn't sure I really wanted to hop back into the car, to tell the truth, I feel as though I could never go on a road trip again and be fine. I am sure that feeling will fade with time, but I am over it for the time being.

That being said, I am really glad we went. We took the scenic route, and it was really nice. I had never been that way and it was nice to see some off the beaten paths in our grand old state.

Messing with my setting since I don't know what I am doing.

Apple Annie's pumpkin patch was our destination. This is lesser Apple Annie's, I think the one further on up was the main Apple Annie's. This is my logic on this one, I didn't see an apple tree where we were. The corn maze was pretty impressive. We didn't have time to go through and it cost $7 to get lost in it. Really Apple Annie's?

The boy loved it. His favorite? I am glad you asked.

This machine type thing. He was enthralled.

His auntie decided she would let him pick out a pumpkin, he liked that too.

He picked one out that was just his size. And today I had the pleasant surprise of hearing him say "unkin" He can say pumpkin. What a boy I have.

Another thing we found to be The boy's favorite. Dilly Beans. They are fresh green beans which have been pickled. They were really good. The boy loved them! I think he would've eaten the whole jar. Weird. kid.
It was a really beautiful night and a really fun time. Thanks Aunt Debbie! We had a blast!

The boy also had a lot of fun with the rocks. Which is good, because our new place is basically built on rocks. Mud pies and rocks for us! Yup, we are moving out on our own. Our very own double wide on dirt. We are renting it, but I am still really excited. It will be like Christmas when I get to crack open all those boxes of my stuff. I won't miss the stairs, but we will miss Grandma. Hopefully people will still come to visit us. They really should, I will have babies that need holding soon.

Until Next time.

Halfway home...

Seriously guys, I am already huge and I am technically only half done. Of course, I figure I am more than half done, because I probably won't go all the way to 40 weeks, but yeah....

Insane right?

The boy and I have had some bumpy days. He is starting to run and his little legs get going a little faster than the rest of him.
He is talking more, It's hard to say what his first word was, but we have some vocab going.

If he spits on you raspberry style Phhhhlt! That means Up. He is actually starting to have it sound more like up now, but I have to memorialize the spit.
Sheeeth = teeth and means he wants to brush his teeth.
Dada, Daddy, Dad, = Dad
cheesh = cheese
shooosh = Shoes
anket = blanket
Shesus = Jesus
eeeesh = please

He also uses hand gestures to tell us which song he wants to sing.
A waving finger = 3 monkeys swining in a tree
Hands rubbed together = slippery fish
Hands up in the air fingers waving = Twinkle Twinkle
points at picture of temple = I love to see the temple
Picture of President Monson = Follow the prophet

I like him lots. Even with a bruised noggin.